This monsoon, keep Cyrus Broacha’s four tips in mind

My friends, (okay, I accept that’s a bit too much), let’s make that individuals who may read this. Notice, how I avoided any gender reference. Today, I’m going to share with you some incredible bits of information, on how to combat something we’ve struggled with for centuries. Wow, whoever said traffic, or parallel parking, please step down. I’m referring to a far more sinister force that makes living in this country unmanageable. Now, whoever said arranged marriage, or telemarketers, please also step down.

Since it looks like most of you will step down, I have no choice but to step up and continue. I’m referring to what India’s greatest poet, Anu Malikjee, calls Barrish. Some of you will be more familiar with the term the British sold to us for a very small fee — monsoon.

Every year, citizens suffer huge losses that they rarely recover from, due to monsoon. Damaged footwear immediately comes to mind. Yet, year after year, for generations, monsoon has the upper hand. Luckily for us, E.M. Srivastava has written the defining work on how to cope with all things monsoon. The book is called …er… How to cope with all things Monsoon. It really is the complete guide, the almanac, the last word on this subject. It is a beacon of hope, in this monsoon-ravaged society.

In Srivastava’s words, ‘It’s like a giant umbrella sheltering all from the rain’. Sadly, E.M. Srivastava passed away, with one page still left to write. Apparently, he fell into an open manhole just outside his building, and has not been seen since Thursday. However, Mrs. Srivastava completed the page and now the book is ready. (Word has it, by walking ahead of Mrs. Srivastava and falling into the open manhole first, thereby alerting his wife, Mr. Srivastava saved Mrs. Srivastava’s life).

Before going forward, it’s important for me to deal with a moral dilemma. You see, if I’m to divulge too many details about the book, you already have the information, so you are not going to buy it. Mrs. Srivastava needs the money from the sales, as it is her only source of income after Mr. Srivastava’s sudden disappearance. Truth is, she did not have enough money to close the manhole. Apparently, it’s still open.

After discussing it with Mrs. Srivastava, we’ve decided that you should get just a taste of this magnum opus. This will lure you, dear reader, into buying the book. By buying the book, I mean buying it for a friend. C’mon, we all know, nobody reads any more. Yet, people are suffering, monsoon keeps winning. So, here are four tips to help in man-versus-monsoon situation. (The editor has asked me to change that for legal reasons). Here it is then, individual versus monsoon.

• Tip 1. Always look up. It’s a simple trick, just look up at the sky before leaving the dwelling.
• Tip 2. If you are wearing a wig, look up and stay put.
• Tip 3. Don’t look up continuously, also look down, (This was added by Mrs. Srivastava in light of what happened to Mr. Srivastava).
• Tip 4. Avoid white clothes, leather shoes, and don’t walk children under 16 inches of height in the rain.

Clear, concise, and completely objective, this book must be compulsorily sold to all citizens. Now, I have to go and help Mrs Srivastava get closure, and by that, I mean, the manhole cover.

The writer has dedicated his life to communism. Though only on weekends.